The 10 worst things that could happen on the way to work

1. You get into the car, slam the door, stick the keys in, ease into reverse. Looking over your shoulder you jump, and then breathe a sigh of relief as you realise you forgot the splitting image of yourself in the back seat last night. That thing does give you a fright.

2. You walk outside, turning towards the door to pull it shut behind you. You struggle with the lock, cursing your flatmate who promised to fix it last weekend. It’s just like him to — You turn mid-thought and plant your foot where the next step should be, except it’s not there. You’re free falling, wind whipping past your ears and all you can think about is the fact that you forgot to wear matching underwear.

3. You step outside and your head promptly gets bitten off by a stray zombie. Monday morning blues.

4. You walk out the door, keys in your mouth, rifling through your bag for your phone. You’re at the main road before you sense something amiss. Looking around, you can’t quite put your finger on it…and then it hits you, and you wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. Everyone’s turned into a monkey.

5. Your alarm goes off, and your eyes pop open. Yawning, you twist to reach the phone you buried somewhere under your pillow the night before. You stretch languidly, tiling your head to the left until you spot something next to ….ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You’re in bed with Tony Abbott. And he’s wearing budgie smugglers.

6. You step outside, turning your face towards the weak winter sun. Your nose crinkles as you catch a whiff of burnt skin. Damn it, you’re still not used to being undead.

7. You’re rifling through a magazine, cursing the jostling bus when you feel a sharp point press through your side. You roll your eyes and hand the magazine over. You were almost done with it too.

8. You sit up in bed and look down at him. He’s just starting to stir. You reach over, pull the blinds open and sigh. Just once, you’d like to walk to work without it raining cats and dogs. You flick the blinds back down in disgust just as a pug goes splat on the window.

9. The hot water tracks down your body. You reach for the shampoo, and one eye pops open to read the label. ‘Silky smooth locks’ my ass you think.  You start to massage it into your hair and scream as meters and meters of silk start growing and growing, twisting around you, pulling you tighter and tighter until you slide down the drain.

10. Your eyes pop open. You slide the cool sheets off your body and realise you’ve turned into a gorilla overnight. What will your waxing lady think?

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